Conflict Avoidance in Relationships: Why We Hide Our Anger and Our Needs
What comes to mind when you think of a 'harmonious' relationship?
For many of us, the fantasy of the 'ideal' relationship is the absence of conflict. Understandably so. The pendulum swing of anger that we see - in others, perhaps in ourselves - can move from reactivity to withdrawal. This makes finding a middle ground to safely express anger in relationships feel elusive; so much so that it can feel safest to avoid it altogether.
The presence of healthy conflict can lead to intimacy, in the same way that the agitation of the sand which creates the pearl is essential to its radiance. As we move and grow through time with another person, conflict can be a path through which truth is identified and processed. When we feel anger, in part it points to something that we are invested in, that we care about. Anger is a trailhead towards a deeper need, and building the tools to understand and express that anger - and to reveal those needs - can expose so much about what is both desired and unmet within a relationship.
For many individuals, healthy expressions of anger were neither modeled for them in early life, nor accepted within the home. Instead, anger may have shown up when it was pushed to its limit: bubbling to the surface, emerging as an outburst, reactivity, or through physical and emotional aggression. Inversely, anger can show up more subtly when it is turned within - a persistent felt sense of disconnection, avoidance or tension; numbness, shut down, withdrawal, or even depression.
In working with clients, I am passionate about exploring the presence of anger - even, and especially, when it feels unsafe or difficult to express. How do we safely make the often invisible presence of anger visible within ourselves? We can begin by building an understanding of why we might push anger away to begin with.
Denial of Anger
Childhood Adaptations
From the perspective of Psychodynamic Theory, the denial of anger is a defense mechanism, in which feelings of anger are simply not accepted within the psyche as a viable option. Denial essentially helps our psyche disconnect from, or push away, feelings that do not align with how we view ourselves, how we want to be seen, or what allows us to feel safe. Denial says, 'this feeling or reality is not happening.'
Attachment Theory offers a lens for understanding how early conditioning can make expressing or feeling the sensation of anger unsafe, shameful, or unacceptable. Children skillfully adapt to compartmentalize emotional pain in order to survive childhood and preserve relationships with caregivers. The capacity to deny a feeling - to not express sadness, to perform perfection - may have allowed a child to sustain relational safety with a parent. The very survival of a young person is contingent on the preservation of relationships with those who care for them. When a feeling or reality compromises the child's relationship with their caregiver, it is not uncommon for that feeling or reality to be pushed away, disavowed, or denied.
The Visibility of 'Need'
The containment of the more messy and less palatable parts of ourselves can feel essential at times. Displaying the raw, unfiltered force of anger can bring with it a deeper fear of rupture. Anger points to needs that need to be met - a voice that must be heard. To express anger is to confront our partners with the vulnerability of our needs. For those whose needs were minimized or invalidated in significant caregiving relationships doing this can be experienced as a real threat to safety. There can be an underlying belief that the value and safety of the relationship is contingent on an individual's needlessness, selflessness, and capacity to nurture and give without boundaries: "I am safe because I can give endlessly and require little." "I am safe because I am not dependent on others, my needs do not create disruptions, and are not a burden for others."
Fawning
In the absence of the expression of anger in a relationship, it is common for resentment, criticism, and rage to bubble underneath the surface. This can go on for a long time in service of the status quo - in service of maintaining relational harmony, predictability, and ultimately, relational safety. Without an outlet, anger is stored in the body and mind, attempting to be contained, yet often squeaking out in big and small moments through overextension, self-abandonment, withdrawal, irritability, numbness, disconnection, and even illness.
When there is an absence of anger in relationships, I often find myself curious about the protective parts that appear in its place. People pleasing, or 'Fawning' as coined by psychotherapist Pete Walker, can be a trauma response - the fourth in the familiar trio of Fight, Flight, and Freeze. In the presence of a perceived or real threat, individuals might appease in order to maintain harmony in the relationship. This can show up as:
Repeatedly ignoring boundary violations or carelessness in significant relationships
Not maintaining boundaries or expectations for how you are treated in relationship
Chronic overextension to support others, with little expectation of having one's own needs met in relationship
Disconnecting from one's own emotions and needs in order to provide assurance to or create relief for others in the relationship
Feeling upset that your partner did not do something for you, and instead of expressing your disappointment, giving to them what you wish they had given to you
Identifying and Expressing Anger: Small No's
There can be a considerable amount of value derived from being perceived without need. Yet this consistently clashes with the reality that, as humans, we have needs. We have needs, limitations and desires - all of which, when denied in a relationship, can emerge as numbness, irritability, resentment, dread and, you guessed it, anger.
Making contact with your anger is also to make contact with yourself: your desires, dreams, grief, and needs. There is an immense intimacy to this, even as it is explored within the self. This is not a shift that can be made overnight. Adaptive defenses - like fawning - can play such a big role in the feeling of relational safety. That being said, building curiosity about the small behaviors and communication patterns that instinctually push away anger before it has a chance to arise can slowly support the safe emergence of the message this primal feeling has to share.
Begin with noticing your small no's. Are there moments when you agree to something, even when instinctually you don't want to? Look for the moments in your day where you might normally disconnect from your own needs for the imagined comfort of the other.
When might you express a no? Perhaps a smaller 'no' might be found in a daily task - saying no to the barista when asked if you'd like to sign up for a mailing list, or make a donation. A bigger no might be texting a friend that you can't do a favor for them, knowing it will disappoint or even frustrate them.
I am sure we have all heard ourselves say yes enthusiastically to something that feels like a no in our body. The feeling that follows can be irritability, regret, even dread. Consistently doing this can create a relational pattern in which it becomes difficult for those around you to truly understand your needs or limits, because they have not been expressed. Intimacy in a relationship becomes thwarted when the visibility of one person's needs is lost in amiability. Beginning with identifying your 'small no's' is a first step towards being more visible, and ultimately more known, in relationship. This shouldn't feel easy - starting small can be a helpful way to allow your nervous system to adjust to the feeling of asserting your needs.
Small no's are not rejections of your relationship, in fact they are invitations to step more deeply into it. In the end, the goal isn’t a relationship without conflict; it is a relationship where your needs - and those of your loved one - are fully seen.
Should you wish to learn more about my practice, or schedule a consultation feel free to reach out.
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Image: Lull, Pete Sherrard 2011
